While feeding his infant son in the park a man learns valuable lessons about the importance of breast feeding.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Friday, August 10, 2012
Saturday, August 4, 2012
The Bellerose 500
It was winter 2001 and only a few weeks after the ring and run incident. Mike, Greg, Anthony, Herbs and Joseph were stranded without access to alcohol. Thus a plan was born out of the embers of boredom. It was a great evening to stalk Kristen and friends. The five neophytes packed into Greg’s Honda Accord. Greg was driving, Herbs was in the passenger seat, Anthony in the driver side rear passenger seat, Joseph in the passenger side rear passenger seat, and Mike was riding Bitch. The plan was simple, find Kristen and follow her. The quintet traveled all over Queens and Nassau County that evening checking all the likely Kristen locations. Their first stop was her house which turned -up empty. Next, was her best friend Joanna’s house, again no results. They proceeded to all the teenage hotspots; Sterling Lanes, Bellerose Lanes, Denton Mini Golf, Roosevelt Field Mall and all turned up no results.
As they headed eastbound down Hillside Avenue, the boys had resolved themselves to the fact they had embarked on a futile effort. Greg makes an uneventful left turn down Cellar Avenue to turn around and head back to Kristen’s house for one last check to see if she returned home. The children learned fate is a fickle bitch that evening. As Greg makes the turn a nondescript sedan comes into sight. Greg flips on his high beams, both cars come to a dead stop. A stare down ensues, in the driver seat sits Kristen with her passengers Joanna (her best friend), Bernadette (her sister) and Phil (Bernadette’s boyfriend). The cluster looked at the boy completely startled and confounded on how they were discovered. Instinct kicks in and Kristen presses the gas pedal to the floor and makes a sharp right turn onto Hillside Avenue.
Greg makes a quick broken U turn and follows after her. A high speed chase ensues as Kristen does her best to try and lose Greg. She maneuvers traffic like a bible banger who’s late for church. She swerves back and forth from the left and right lane cutting in front of cars in the hopes of shaking Greg. Her efforts were fruitless, Greg stayed right on her rear bumper the entire time, all while narrowly missing the hapless motorists heading to their weekend destinations.
Kristen makes a right turn at Lakeville Road and continues her wretched manipulation of traffic. All the while Greg is just behind her as they traveled north. While in the left lane an unsuspecting elderly motorist driving a 1992 Cadillac Seville positions himself in front of Greg and behind Kristen. Kristen and friends see this as the opportunity to lose their pursuers and signal to make a left turn down 80th Avenue.
“Holy shit we’re going to lose them!” Mike bellows.
Greg replies “No we’re not!”
In less than five seconds Greg cuts over to the right lane, shifts into 3rd gear, speeds past the elderly man driving the Cadillac, swerves left into the narrowest of gaps remaining between Kristen and the Cadillac. Kristen slows down to make the left turn, Greg jams on his breaks so hard that the ABS system kicks in, the bellow of the horn and screech of the Cadillac’s tires echo throughout the street. Kristen cuts left, Greg cuts left, the elderly man’s car stops.
|The pictures demonstrate the series of race car maneuvers pulled off by Greg's driving skills. Kristen's Head represents the position of her car, the Old Man Head represents the position of the Cadillac, The Greg head represents Greg's car.|
|Greg, the ever responsible motorist proceeds to pass on the right.|
|Greg move's back into the left lane and considers a career in sardines.|
|Kristen, Greg make a Tokyo Drift left turn and leave behind a very frightened Old Man.|
The chase continues for another block when Herbs and Greg deduce that based on the route Kristen and friends are headed to Phil’s house. The boys decide to withdraw their pursuit and take an alternate route.
Kristen and friends arrive at Phil’s house thinking they lost their pursuers and begin to settle down from the evening’s antics. The boys arrive and park under a poorly lit section down the block from Phil’s house. Kristen, Phil, Joanna, & Bernadette stare down the road wondering if their ordeal had truly ended. The boys sit in the car wondering what to do next. Joseph instructs everyone in Greg’s Honda Accord to roll down the windows to see if they could hear what Kristen and friends were saying.
A wolf-whistle shrieks from Greg’s mouth, Kristen and friends look back more intently.
Joseph yells out, “Phil’s a pussy!” With his voice echoing off each house on the Queens residential block.
The boys laugh hysterically.
Joseph repeats, “Phil’s a giant pussy!”
The boy’s chortle in ecstasy as Phil begins to pace in fear over the tongue lashing being thrust on him for no reason whatsoever. The taunts at Phil’s expense continue as Phil becomes more visibly upset about the situation. Adults begin to appear outside trying to deduce what the commotion is. Greg toots his horn to accompany Joseph’s slew of insults at Phil’s manhood.
Phil fearfully demands his antagonizers approach and fight him. Joseph twists his demands back on Phil.
“If you’re so tough, then come here and prove it!”
Phil runs to his backyard and walks back out with his father.
Still giggling over the circumstances the boys realize their prank has gone just a little too far. Greg starts the car and peels out down the block at top speed.
This Is Why Sterling Lanes Went Out Of Business
It was the following weekend and the line-up consisted of Mike, Greg, Herbs and Joseph who were again gathered together with no plans. The quartet decided that since the previous weeks shenanigans were so entertaining they should embark to duplicate their past experience. Thus they planned once again to stalk their favorite person of interest Kristen.
To cut down on search times Greg brought with him two walkie-talkies. Knowing how much of a bowling whore Kristen was they dropped Joseph at Bellerose Lanes bowling alley while the other three headed to Sterling Lanes bowling alley. Joseph investigated the premises and found nothing. Before he could report his findings to Greg, the boys had traveled out of the walkie-talkie area. Joseph was left to wait until the others returned.
|This is where Bellerose Lanes used to be. It's now occupied by Staples. Teenagers still go behind the building to get drunk.|
Greg, Mike and Herbs arrived at Sterling Lanes and parked. Sterling Lanes has a unique design for a bowling alley. When walking in there was an empty and spacious lobby that led to a stairway and elevator. The stairway and elevator both directed the patrons to the main desk on a lower level where the bowling lanes were. As the trio walked inside they saw Bernadette at the doorway.
“What the fuck are you doing here?!” Bernadette yells.
Greg retorts “We’re here to go bowling. Got a problem with that?”
“Yeah, we’re here to bowl.” Mike adds.
Herbs immediately bellows out a cackle.
Kristen and Joanna looking up from the lower level of the bowling alley see her sister confronting the boys and they both run up the stairs.
Kristen calls out “You guys need to leave right now!”
“We’re not going anywhere.” Greg replies.
“Fine stay! I’m getting my boyfriend and he’s going to kick all of your asses.” Bernadette declares as she takes off down the staircase.
Greg comments sarcastically. “We’re real scared of Phil.”
“Listen, you guys really need to go. This isn’t the time for this.” Joanna chimes in.
“This is the perfect time. I’m tired of this bullshit!” Greg declares.
“Phil ain’t gonna do nothin’” says Mike.
“No, it’s not that. This joke has gone too far, right now my sister is telling Phil what’s going on and my mother is down there with him. She’s going to call the police on you guys if you don’t leave right now” says Kristen.
“Yes, this is stupid just go. This bullshit isn’t worth the hassle.” says Joanna.
Kristen then adds, “My mother has had enough of all the games and she’s not going play.”
“Okay, we’ll go.” Herbs responds.
“Call the cops on us for what? This is a bunch of bullshit.” Greg snaps.
“We’re just going bowling” adds Mike.
“You have to trust me. This isn’t the time to do this. I’m not trying to be a bitch” says Kristen.
Joanna steps closer to Mike and looks him right in the eyes “Mike, believe me when I say ‘you should leave.’”
Herbs subtly gestures to Mike and Greg that he has a plan.
Mike replies, “Alright fine, we’ll go.”
The boys leave the building, get into Greg’s car and drive off.
|Kristen and Joanna celebrating after thinking they successfully defused a potentially hostile situation.|
Herbs begins to discuss his plan. “We’ll go and pick up Joe and comeback. No one really knows him so, we’ll have him go inside and find out what lane their bowling at. He’ll go to the counter and request to bowl at the lane next to theirs. And then we’ll show up and be like, ‘Yup! Just here to bowl!’”
“That’s brilliant!” Says Greg.
Mike replies “I don’t think Joe is going to go for that. Also, he’ll get caught. Kristen knows what he looks like.”
“He’ll do it. Kristen won’t recognize him as quickly as she would us. We’ll also tell him tell him to watch out for Kristen and make sure she doesn’t see him.” Says Greg.
“She thinks we left anyway so I doubt she’ll be looking for us now anyhow.” Herbs adds.
While Joseph is sitting in front of Bellerose Lanes awaiting the return of his friends he suddenly finds himself quite famished. Joseph is about to walk into the Bellerose Lanes and order something from the bar when Greg, Mike and Herbs pull up and tell him to get in the car.
Joseph states “I’m just about to get something to eat.”
Greg replies, “We’ll get something at the other place, get in.”
Joseph hops in the car and they drive back to Sterling Lanes and hears a brief recant of the boys recent ordeal without him.
The four boys arrive at Sterling Lanes and enter the main lobby. As they begin to explain the entire plan to Joseph all four look down and see Kristen at the bottom of the staircase talking to Bernadette. Kristen looks in complete shock and fear. Bernadette immediately runs off.
|The main desk at Sterling Lanes|
“Oh shit they saw us. Let’s get out of here.” Mike cries out.
They calmly exit the building and walk toward Greg’s car. Before they can reach the car a large group mixed with both teenagers and adults exit the bowling alley.
Kristen’s mother yells out “WHAT DO YOU BOYS THINK YOU’RE DOING?”
Greg replies “What? We just came here to go bowling.”
“That’s a bunch of crap! Stop harassing my daughter and her friends!”
Mike, Joseph, and Herbs are left speechless due to the large crowd of grownups confronting them.
|The wonderful party room the angry bowling mob left unattended to confront the boys that were leaving.|
Greg channels the powers of Cicero himself and begins talking his way out of the potential troublesome predicament the boys created for themselves. “This is ridiculous! We haven’t done anything wrong!”
|Greg and the famous Roman orator Cicero. There is a striking resemblance.|
Phil cries out “Haven’t done anything wrong? That’s a fucking lie! Who was it that came to my house last week and was yelling out I’m a pussy in front of all my neighbors and my family!”
Joseph’s face twinges slightly in embarrassment.
“That wasn’t us” states Greg.
“That’s a fucking lie and you know it!” Says Phil as he begins to cry.
Phil moves close to Greg but is quickly restrained by his father who compassionately tells him to calm down.
Kristen’s mom then starts yelling “We know it was you that changed Kristen’s password on her cell phone! We had to call the phone company to get it fixed.”
“That’s a lie we never touch Kristen’s password! Never! It’s a bunch of crap that you’re daughter is making up,” Greg points to Bernadette “because she doesn’t like us. We never touched her phone.”
“We’ll whatever’s going on it stops now. I don’t want you near my daughters anymore, any of you.” Kristen’s mom looks at Mike. “And Mike, you’re a good kid but you can’t have your bread buttered on both sides. You’re either friends with Kristen or these kids and if you continue to hang out with them I don’t want you hanging around Kristen.”
|Mike's solution on how to have his bread buttered on both sides.|
|Bernadette's solution on how to butter bread on both sides.|
“I know” says Mike.
Kristen’s Uncle adds “yeah, Mike. Why would you get involved with this? You’re better than this.”
Greg, still focused on the pressing issue continues to defend the groups honor with a face of stone as he pleads his case. “This is crap, we haven’t done anything. If you want Kristen to stop hanging out with us then tell her to stop asking me for rides home from school and to stop calling us and coming over to our houses.”
Bernadette screams “we wouldn’t have had to go to your house if you didn’t hack into her cell phone.”
“WE DIDN’T TOUCH HER PHONE! We never touched her phone. We didn’t change her password.”
|Greg hacking into Kristen's phone.|
Kristen’s mom becomes the voice or reason and states “then we won’t have anymore problems.” Kristen’s mom grabs Kristen back inside the bowling alley; only bits of the conversation can be heard. Then Kristen’s mom yells out. “GO HOME!”
Kristen runs to her car crying, gets in and drives away.
A deafening silence falls over the crowd.
Joseph states “I don’t know about you guys but I just came to get something to eat.”
The boys laugh hysterically.
“Oh it’s a big joke to you guys. One big joke” says Kristen’s Uncle.
|The only reason Joseph went to Sterling Lanes.|
The boys all pack into Greg’s car and drive away. While in the car Joseph asks, “What was up with all those old people hanging out with them?”
Herbs states “I think they were all there for Phil’s 16th birthday.”
“Oh shit, we ruined the kids Sweet 16? That’s really fucked up of us.”
“Yeah, let’s take a break from the whole Kristen thing for a while, before her mom calls my mom” Mike adds.
Greg adds “Yeah, that’s probably a good idea.”
|An exact replica of Greg's Honda Accord. The original was destroyed in the middle of the night by a mysterious old man ranting about sardine's and anti-lock breaks.|
“I Like To Play With Toys” Productions®
“I Like To Play With Toys” Productions®
Posted by “I Like To Play With Toys” Productions®. at 2:40 PM