DCEU Review Series
Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice
2016
Director: Zack Snyder
If there’s an extended cut of a DC movie universe in this review series, we’re looking at it because watching the regular versions isn’t torturous enough. In this “Ultimate Edition” it opens with Bruce Wayne’s parents getting murdered because no one knows the origin of Batman. A ripped off visual from Batman Begins of this Bruce falling in the well and making friends with actual bats. Thomas Wayne’s last words being Martha because that’s sadly an important plot point later on.
The origin of Batman fighting Superman in this story is apparently, the creators’ inability to think of another villain for him to fight. While it might be hard to come up with worthy adversaries for Superman, no one should be tapped by the second film.
We’re then watching a flashback to Man of Steel during the Zod fight and Bruce Wayne is driving like a dick all around Metropolis trying to not die, or help people, or have a good excuse for speeding in a densely populated city. He has no cell phone service which really bothers rich people and one of his buildings gets destroyed. So now Batman and Superman aren’t allowed to be friends because some douchebag aliens picked a fight with Superman.
Cut to: Lois Lane is interviewing some warlord in a generic Hollywood movie African desert country with Jimmy Olsen but it turns out Jimmy Olsen works for the CIA and gets killed. Superman saves Lois Lane just in time but it causes the US government to care for some reason. Some lady from the country of Africa hates Superman because some random kid of hers died. The most ridiculous part of this sequence is killing off Jimmy Olsen. Zach Snyder said in interviews since they weren’t using Jimmy Olsen in their universe they thought it’d be fun to kill him in the beginning of the film. Yes, somehow the death of one of Superman’s closest friends in the comic book is “fun.” If that doesn’t say just how out of touch Snyder was with a mainstream audience, what does?
Then around the 30-minute mark of this “Ultimate Cut” we start getting tossed countless quotes from Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns. The graphic novel is directly quoted from the film so much throughout the film, Frank Miller should have been given a writing credit. It’s one thing to pay homage it’s another to just lift line after line from a comic you’re doing a crappy version of.
We then meet Lex Luthor and Jessie Eisenberg’s bipolar performance. Was he deliberately trying to tank the performance so he wouldn’t have to appear in any sequels? Every performance choice he makes is the wrong choice. The best villains aren’t maniacally crazy. The best villains are cool under pressure. If you watch from a different point of view a person could actually root for the best villains in cinema. This Lex Luthor is just annoying.
Then we get what feels like unlimited hours of people talking to one another about stuff they don’t like. All of it could be condensed into a plot that actually moves, but this, this is the Ultimate Cut! The Ultimately Boring Cut. It takes 50 minutes before we get our first glimpse at Wonder Woman and it’s as pointless as the rest of the film. Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne have a little conversation and Bruce gets insulted that Clark doesn’t like Batman. Meanwhile Bruce Wayne typically makes fun of Batman in public in order to maintain his cover. But in this interaction, there’s all this tension about Clark disliking a vigilante because they’re destined to fight at the end of the film. I keep hoping the film will just abruptly end and put me out of my misery but there’s no such mercy granted, still over two hours left in this snooze fest.
We see a montage of Superman saving people as if it’s the most horrible thing that’s ever happened. In every Superman film that ever-made sense, he saves people and it’s a good thing, people are happy. In this depressing crap universe, somehow people hate Superman. In reality they would be the minority, people like heroes. Also, what is Holly Hunter doing? She’s wasting everyone’s time pushing a boring plot along with stupid comments. Why is the only action in the film a 20-minute dream sequence? That’s right, Batman’s biggest beef with Superman is over a bad dream he had about him. There’s no actual reason these guys should be fighting except the title of the film says so. We also get a lame Flash cameo saying Superman is bad.
At the halfway mark some dude whom got paralyzed in the Zod battle in Man of Steel decides to blow-up the capital building while Superman appears before some useless subcommittee. He stands there like a tool as it happens. And the plot hits another standstill. This isn’t a slow-paced film, it’s a no-paced film. Wheelchair guy smuggled the secret explosive wheelchair in with the help of Lex Luthor to help turn public opinion against Superman. I’m falling asleep just thinking about it. Pointless plot twist, the dude didn’t plan to blow up anything, Luthor set it all up.
Then we get a workout montage, a kryptonite montage, a Justice League movie advertisement (because you have to plug the bigger franchise in these films). What we don’t get is plot progression. Lex Luthor decides to create Doomsday with his DNA and the dead body of Zod. Kevin Costner comes back for no reason and mumbles a bunch of nonsense.
Superman’s mom gets kidnapped. Batman puts on a mehca-suit. Lois Lane gets kidnapped to draw Superman out. Lex Luthor uses Superman’s mom as a hostage to fight Batman. They could have just opened the film with this and saved us a ton of time. It wouldn’t have improved the movie but at least it would have been shorter.
At the two hour mark they finally start fighting because this Batman is a total jerk who barely uses his brain and doesn’t try to talk it out at all. It’s not a particularly exciting fight. It goes back and forth a little and Batman uses some kryptonite gadgets that takes out Superman. As he’s about to deliver the final blow Superman starts ranting about his mother Martha and Batman decides to become his best friend because they have a mom with the same name. All fights between dudes are settled when dudes find out their moms have the same name.
Batman goes to save Martha Kent while Superman goes to hangout on a boat. Batman saves Martha by killing a bunch of dudes because that’s what this Batman does. Superman confronts Lex Luthor whose lame version of Doomsday appears. He’s a rip-off of the cave trolls from Lord of the Rings. Now everyone is scared of Doomsday for no reason whatsoever. The government launches missiles at Superman and Doomsday which do nothing and make no sense. Superman is taken out of commission for a while. So Batman fights Doomsday with his tech. He sucks at his job. Wonder Woman shows up and saves Batman at the 2-hour 30-minute mark and is the only person with any personality and the movie wakes up for a moment. Superman pops back on the scene. It’s become a mildly interesting story while they all team up to fight Lord of the Rings cave troll Doomsday. Lois is there doing Lois things. Superman sacrifices his life to stop Doomsday and there’s twenty minutes left. It won’t end, it will never end. This is absolute torture.
Lex Luthor gets arrested. They shave his head because that’s how he ended up bald in this world. The concept of hair growing back is nonexistent in the Snyderverse. People are sad about Superman after hating him the entire film. There’s a funeral. Batman decides to form the Justice League.
Boring film, a plot that moves slower than molasses, terribly written characters, lackluster action. It’s only the second film in the franchise. A horrible closing speech that’s supposed to inspire people without a single piece of optimism. A ton of plugs for the franchise. Zack Snyder has no concept of positivity or entertainment. Don’t watch this movie. It’s horrible. Save yourself three hours and watch paint dry. At least when you watch paint dry you’re rewarded with a newly colored wall.
Written by
Joseph Ammendolea
Owner/President
“I Like To Play With Toys” Productions®
ILikeToPlayWithToysProductions@Yahoo.com
