Friday, February 14, 2014

Kevin Smith is Terrible…In Our Opinion (Part 1 of 4)

A little drawing to emphasize that this article is an opinion.

What you’re about to read is strictly a person’s opinion, no matter how accurate it may seem or how much you agree with the thoughts being presented it’s still just one person’s very agreeable opinion.

How It Started

The VHS options 90s teens were left to choose from on a wintery Saturday night.   There is only so many times in a row that a kid can watch Video Owner's Manual.

The 13-year-old in me loves Mallrats (1995) and watches it with all my friends on Saturday evenings while hanging out my parent’s basement.  The 19-year-old cynic in me thinks Clerks (1994) is a clever and witty movie that seamlessly incorporates pop culture references with a well thought out script.  The human being in me realizes that’s where the positive accolades end.  Two mediocre films from the 1990s is the director Kevin Smith’s best contribution to the world.

An example of a better contribution to the world.  Granted it's an example of how Hollywood will always make awesome things suck but it was a valuable life lesson to 90s kids everywhere. 
Just about every film he’s made takes place in his crappy View Askewniverse (named after his production company View Askew Productions) like he’s the Stephen King of film making.  Smith often casts the same actors for multiple parts.  The main problem with this continual crossover system is that he constantly reused the same actors so by the time Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001) is made it clearly shows the flaw of that universe because multiple people were playing the same actors the same exact way.

This is how you make an interconnecting universe of stories. 
It’s not like Dick Van Dyke putting on a dress, it’s a dude changing his shirt.  There’s like 50 different people that all look exactly alike.  That’s a major plot hole when you decide to make a movie that ties the entire world together. It’s not silly and quirky to have a character play different people that have no discernible differences between their performances.  It’s just stupid and lazy, which is consistent with his directing style but still terrible.  Also, Stephen King is talented.  

We stand corrected, no one cold ever tell he's the same actor.  Affleck is just too talented. 
Jersey Girl (2004) is the one film that did not take place in Smith’s lame universe and was considered one of the worst films of 2004.  It also helped to tarnish Ben Affleck’s good name as a world-renowned actor.  So what does Smith do to rebound from this huge failure of a film? He makes Clerks II (2006).  This wasn’t because of some grand inspiration, because anyone who’s seen Clerks realizes there is no sequel required.  This was because he needed to make a film that was a quick moneymaker to ensure he’d continue to have work.  All the Clerks fans of the world knew the movie would be terrible but still rushed out to see it because it brought them back to their mid 90s nostalgia.  He then tosses out the lessons of the original Clerks which is to choose love not for looks but for personality and hooks the hero up with Rosario Dawson.  What a tool!

We stand corrected again.  He's not a tool he is the tool!

Is it Really Acting?

This is real acting!
Being the writer, director, and producer for your films gives a person lots of responsibility in getting a film made while the actors get the majority of the spotlight.  It’s understandable that a person might wish to make a little cameo in such film as a small notation they were on the set every day.  Smith goes beyond that and gave himself the character that always saves the day.  He’s the wise hero in all his films, the guy that has the clever advice or odd action moment that rescues everybody.  Silent Bob is Smith’s ego in full force thinking he swoops in and fixes everything for everyone.  Delusions of grandeur is an understatement. 

This is the only Kevin Smith the world wants as its hero.  It's too bad he only played a villain. 
It wouldn’t be so awful if his pantomime was anything worth watching.  All he does is overly dramatic shrugs and facial tics.  The silent part is so forced, so telegraphed that it’s a hackneyed caricature of what any 12 year-old would commit to if performing in The Miracle Worker (1962).  His rigmarole performance is only enjoyable after you hear him read dialogue.  Then you’re wishing for him to go back to dumb faces and shrugs. 

We guess he never for the "Less is More" memo!
So what you’re left with is the most annoying comedy pair that no one ever asked for, Jay and Silent Bob.  Jay is loud and annoying.  Silent Bob is quiet and annoying.  After 5 minutes of this wannabe modern day Laurel & Hardy, I want hang myself with my own intestines.

There just aren't words to describe it.

Written by
“I Like To Play With Toys” Productions®

The  writer of this article has chosen not to reveal himself because he's a total wuss and doesn't want to get beat up by Kevin Smith.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4